The Month of October so far...

Well, I guess I can say I ‘officially’ survived this week….though it still does not make me feel better or feel like a victory. One year…..it still sucks and it is still very hard….and I still wonder, will the pain in my heart ever go away?? Or at least lessen?? Because it hasn’t yet. I still believe we are married and I still wear my ring, though as I was reminded by a legal document I had to sign, that my marriage to Mark legally ended on October 13th, 2008.

And how do you appropriately act on this day when the following day is Kate’s birthday? Oh, how I struggled with that one for the weeks prior….I am very much a tradition person, and strongly believe in them. One of the traditions that I wanted to start, was a Mass intention for Mark on the 13th. Though I will never truly understand ‘why’, it is still the day Mark was greeted with arms wide open by Jesus.

Many months ago I had arranged for the Mass on Tuesday evening to be for Mark. Well, unfortunately Father Kevin broke his leg a few weeks ago, and isn’t able to perform Mass right now. The church is relying on retired priest and can only get priests to cover the weekend masses….so the Mass for Mark did not happen as planned, yet is rescheduled for a Sunday in a few weeks. Sure deep down I am disappointed, yet I am reminded that it was beyond my control, and in HIS hands, as many things are.

My Mom was here to make sure I was not alone, and that was a blessing. The kids are still too young to grasp what the day means, and then to add in the mix Kate’s birthday….way too many emotions for me yet for the kids to understand at this point….and when they do understand, we’ll discuss it. I tried to keep the day as normal as possible, and we spent it together as a family. Though, I wonder if deep down the kids knew…..as by chance both of the kids decided that afternoon to let go the remaining balloons from Kate’s birthday party (which was held a few days early) up in the sky so Daddy could have them.

While my Dad was here for Kate’s birthday party, which was held on Sunday the 11th, he helped me plant the “Sunset Maple” tree that I bought for Mark in the side yard. I got it at a local tree farm, Cox’s, that Mark really respected (long story, that I'll save for another time). My Dad also got this beautiful marker with a touching poem on it in honor of Mark (see pic) below.

And on top of Kate’s party and then actually celebrating her birthday, I had a HUGE final paper for my second class. To say a stressful week is an understatement…however Kate did have a wonderful birthday and is very proud to tell you she is three.

As much as this week was a trial for me on so many levels, I am comforted when I reflect on the many blessings in my life and by the grace of God, I am able to embrace these blessings.

The marker below the tree reads:

"Your Memory is Our Keepsake,

With Which We Will Never Part.

God has You in His Keeping,

We Have You in Our Hearts."

Kate getting ready to release one of the balloons left over from her birthday up in the sky for Daddy on the 13th.

Kate all dressed up in her Minnie Mouse costume before her birthday party on the 11th.

Kids at Kate's party after decorating their party hats.

Kate with her birthday cake at her party. Of course it was from Marsh!

Miss Kate fell fast asleep the night after her party. She said she loved her Minnie Mouse dress so much she was going to sleep in it...and that she did!

Kate and Luke at the Pumpkin Patch (Anderson Orchards) with Nana's dog, Roo.

Kate with her friend Mady after decorating the pumpkins.

Miss Kate on the morning of her birthday! The tradition in our house is: chocolate pancakes, a sign and a homemade birthday hat!

Kate at preschool...she got to bring cupcake for snack time with her classmates.

Celebrating Kate's birthday that night at Chuck E Cheese with MORE cupcakes with Amy B., Amy H. and Katie...along with their kids: Dane, Chase, Alex and Abby.